Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
You Might Also Like
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker