[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
You Might Also Like
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I can’t deal with men any longer
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My life in a nutshell
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.