I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.