I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”