I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
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GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history