That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I unironically love this joke.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”