I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)