My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
You Might Also Like
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.