Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
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emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?