if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.