Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Not today
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”