if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
You Might Also Like
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”