if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
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jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.