goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
That earthquake could have been an email.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space