instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
You Might Also Like
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Can Happiness buy money?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I drew y’all a little something.
Actually cracking up @ this
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.