Only short people can save us
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Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further