This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
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The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
*feels the wind in my toe hair
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*