*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
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Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
My whole life was a lie.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several