Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick