WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
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Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill