remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
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Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”