Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent