Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
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gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Thursday Thought.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Become ungovernable.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
My time has come.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji