6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
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Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.