If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.