Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
guys I’m going home
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Krampus.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”