When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
man i love columbo
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”