Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
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We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …