I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
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“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour