A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
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I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.