That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
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Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.