Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
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Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.