Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
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Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Horrifying if literal: arm candy