I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.