*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.