I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.