“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
All. The. Damn. Time.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.