My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.