When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Me too, bag. Me too….
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.