I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
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Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake