[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
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Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*