Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.