Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
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Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Poetry is my passion
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.