I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
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*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.