It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
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YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”