there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
You Might Also Like
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Maths meets science