“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly