[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead