The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
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when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.