My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
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I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Oh no
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
it is time once again
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.